maybe its just my damn period, but….
heres to you…..
Im fed up. Im so sick of you treating me like shit a lot. Like all the fucking jokes and shit and getting pissed and just ughh everything. Leave my shit at the door?? Really? My nanas in the fucking hospital and your telling me to leave that shit atg your door before I walk into your house? What the fuck happened to being there for me emotionally? What happened to all of that??? You get mad sooo easily. And maybe I do to. But you don’t exactly treat me right. And I don’t know how much of it I can take. Ive tried just telling myself that I shouldn’t worry because that’s just your nature and to just get over it. But a person can only take so much.
When we first met, and you liked me, and we made it clear to each other, you were so different. You were sweeter, and you cared a lot more. You actually wanted to talk on the phone, you wouldn’t mind walking me up to my door. But now you’re a fucking ass hole. I would do anything for you and I trusted you with my heart. I gave it to you in pieces. And you put it all together again. Even getting your hands cut in the process.
Then 3 months hit, and you told me you were bored? This was a while after we had made love for the first time. How do you think that made me feel??? Like I wasn’t enough for you??? We would fight and talk about breaking up and still remaining friends and still talking like nothing had ever happened. Well at least you did. I know damn well that I couldn’t ever go through with that. Ever. I knew I could never be friends with someone I loved because a part of me would always wonder of things would go back to the way it was before.
Then I don’t know what happened, but I guess you weren’t bored anymore. I don’t really know if you ever stopped being bored. I don’t know if you were scared of losing me or what I have no idea. From that moment on I have always been on edge. Wondering if you’ve been talking to other girls on the side…wondering if anyone else has ever caught your eye. That’s when I began to lose trust. Then Daniella a stupid skank became your “best friend.” That whole situation is bullshit. She wasn’t your bestie before soccer season? Then all of a sudden she is just so she can get a ride. And you think im just being insecure and dumb but im not. Well maybe a little insecure but that’s not the point. Same shit goes for Savannah. She just wanted to use you to get to Irwin and now shes not interested and all of a sudden you’re telling her you love her before you go to bed? I don’t give a flying fuck if its as friends or secret lovers. It’s the same in my eyes. I feel betrayed because I thought saying that to someone was sacred. But I guess you just threw it out there to her. Either one of two way I took it. Both are bad. Either A. you said it like nothing to her which leads me to believe and wonder if it was ever something to me. Or B. she actually means something to you. You actually love her…and that, that makes me feel threatened.
Soon soccer season was over. And seniors were graduating and juniors were transformed into seniors. This forced me to think about college. And that lead me to think about us. How we would survive. What if we didn’t even make it? I swore to you id move to a completely different college. I swore id never stay in Dalton ever again. I promised you I wouldn’t stay in a town where the memories of you are all around me. I could never do it.
I cant go on. This is all for now. I apologize if this is poorly thought out and grammatically atrocious. I know you’ll probably never read this. And if you do, I can only hope you’ll understand how badly you have angered me this night. I can only hope you understand I was just…..venting. geting it out of my system so I can remain sane. I just needed to let it out. This was the only way because I know I could never tell you. And if anyone else reads it, I apologize. Look over me. I know im crazy.
